Miss Val Answers Your Questions
Watch the Q & A SalonDisclaimer:
First of all, I thank you for submitting questions. In answering them, I have drawn from my decades of experience in coaching athletes of all different talents, abilities and personalities, and working alongside an immensely talented assistant coaching staff. I have also gone back to the incredible relationships I had in our athletic department, especially with the multitude of bosses I had over the years. And I’ve scoured the copious notes I’ve taken over the years, from the numerous leadership books I’ve read and leadership meetings I’ve participated in. However, my disclaimer is that I am not a psychologist, psychiatrist or research analyst, nor do I pretend to be.
There are two things I’d like to share that aren’t in response to any individual question:
(1) TRUST goes a long way in any relationship. If your boss or teammate trusts that you have their best interest at heart, they will be much more open to honest feedback. Trust is built and reinforced in every conversation you have and in everything you do. I always felt the world would be a better place if all of our thoughts were displayed across our foreheads like the ticker at the bottom of TV news and sports shows. If that were the case, we would all probably choose our thoughts more carefully and exercise more discipline in the thoughts we feed. In lieu of a forehead ticker, expect that EVERYTHING you say to someone will be repeated, so unless you would say it directly to that person, don’t say it to anyone else. And secondly, don’t share other people’s stories with someone else. The fact that you would feel OK betraying someone else’s trust tells them you would have no problem betraying theirs.
(2) When working for someone else, part of your job is helping to make your boss look good. I KNOW this rubs a few of you the wrong way. Let me explain: Don’t ever criticize, expose your boss’s faults or embarrass him/her in front of anyone — even if your boss is horrible. It’s NOT YOUR JOB to expose or fix him/her. If you need to share information with said boss, ask for a meeting and make sure the door is closed. Then respectfully ask him/her if you can share some things that are getting in the way of the team or department’s overall success. (As soon as it’s over, write notes on the meeting and date it.)
Questions From Session 3 — The Dance
1) What has been the high point of your life?
Realizing that I’m someone who loves to learn and someone who gets excited about becoming a better version of me until the day I die.
2) When you lose your way, even if temporarily, what do you do to get back into focus and on purpose?
I read scripture and spiritual books. Their commonality is LOVE. When you come from a place of LOVE, it’s easier to see the right path.
3) What advice would you give to parents of new college graduates?
Support them with unconditional love by letting them “fail” and “struggle.” Don’t rescue them, and don’t figure things out for them. Let them learn how to figure things out — it builds immense confidence in ways that “likes” on the internet can’t.
4) How do you best choreograph life transitions?
Personally, I leave space for God. It’s hard to not want to micromanage every detail, but often it’s best to “be still” and wait for the appropriate response and time.
5) Keeping athletes motivated without competitions: we are doing short-term and long-term goals, but sometimes have difficulty training without knowing when the next competition/qualifier is coming.
I think if I were still coaching, I would set up an intrasquad competition season in our gym. I’d divide the team into Blue and Gold. And then I’d have weekly challenges/competitions. Making sure that it’s not all gymnastics skills but fun circuits, math problems on a grease board, reciting your team motto, etc.
6) How do you make new friends at this point in your life?
Be kind. Be curious about other people, their history, their hobbies, their thoughts on spirituality, politics, family. Offer to do random acts of kindness, like letting them know you’re going to the store and offering to pick something up for them.
7) How do you maintain good self-esteem?
Through grace. Personal grace is realizing that no one is perfect. We all screw up all the time. And as long as we recognize how we could have done better and “stain our brains” with mantras that help us move forward, we are in constant positive personal growth, which is cause for celebration.
8) What are realistic ways that one can try to change from being critical and negative to optimistic and positive?
Like anything else, you have to practice to perfect the skill of optimism. Our team psychologist would say, first of all, take the “try” out of the statement. When we say, “I’m going to try,” we’ve already given ourselves an out. Secondly, give yourself an “atta boy” — the first step is to self-examine your behavior, which you’ve done in asking this question. Celebrate small victories like that. Every time I have a critical or negative thought, I stop myself and flip it — even if just to say, “God’s not asking me to judge anyone.” I’ve learned I don’t have to fight every battle or prove I’m right. We are ALL STRUGGLING. Live and let live, and spread kindness, love and joy. It will come back to you tenfold.
9) Any tips for making a 180-degree career change? Specifically, to following your true dream after taking a more traditional route?
Yes! If you look at life as one big, grand adventure, you’ll muster the courage, strength and enthusiasm to conquer the next frontier. Remember, adventures are not utopias; the grandest adventures have the grandest challenges and struggles — that’s what makes them memorable and satisfying.
10) How do you define success? Is it reaching a goal according to a plan, or is it according to organic milestones?
My overarching goal is to become a better version of myself with each passing day. Success, to me, is being able to have some quiet time at the end of the day to debrief — checking off the things I’m proud of and the things I’m not — then hitting the refresh button on grace and waking up anew the next day.
11) Your discussion of planning for your next career/having something to look forward to really struck me. With all the many things you could do with your skills and talents, what process do you go through to pick that next thing to focus on?
Did you do the exercise of writing 30 things you want and 20 things you love? If you did, you should be able to see clearly what makes your heart sing. Make sure you find things, such as your job, to include on those lists.
12) How do you work past the fear of taking a leap and changing the trajectory of your life with a new career or moving to a completely new city?
I choose to look at life as one big, grand adventure. Do your due diligence as far as vetting out the pros and cons of the new situation, and then literally take a leap of faith. Remember, courage is taking a step toward something without any guarantee of a result. That’s what life is all about.
13) What does a day in your life look like these days?
A lot of reading: self-help books, spiritual books, leadership books and the Bible (I had never read it). Then I make sure to get some sort of exercise in, even if it's just doing some dips and push-ups in my room, then I go through my e-mails, return calls, etc. AND I make sure to spend time doing something that fuels my creative soul, like knitting, playing the piano, learning French, cooking. Oh, and I make sure to get outside every day for a mini- or long walk. Then, at night, more reading, and quiet time to assess my day and hit the refresh button on ANEW for tomorrow.
14) How do you know when it’s time to move on?
I knew when I was no longer inspired by my work.
15) How do you prioritize your life?
First of all, I fuel my mind, spirit and soul with positivity. I don’t listen to the news or go on social media. My next priority is to make sure I am challenged each day to learn something, to exercise even just a little, and to make good choices with my diet. I don’t over-plan my to-do list, as I’ve learned to leave space for what life brings me that I wouldn’t have anticipated.
16) My to-do list is never done; I feel pulled in many directions at once. How do I establish mental boundaries that allow me to focus on one priority at a time to protect my sanity?
First of all, give yourself a break. Your best is enough. Secondly, ask for help when you can, even if it’s to say at the top of a Zoom meeting, “I only have 10 minutes to work through this call.” And then, prioritize your to-do list where you can knock out so many items at a time, then take a 10-minute break to call a friend, spend quiet time, or dance around your house. Then ... back to your list. It’s super-important to tackle one item at a time and not let yourself make it bigger than it needs to be. It’s also important to give yourself recesses during the day, and then at night, at the hour you choose. SHUT DOWN and only do things that fuel your soul in preparation for the next day.
17) How can I turn my non-paid job skills into paid work for my years of experience and expertise? It seems like I need to invent a new career at 58 years old.
I don’t have specifics for you, because I don’t know what you do. However, I keep hearing from college students who are scared they can’t get a job, and I’m thinking, “Dang, if they offered their services as tutors to kids these days, they’d clean up and feel good about helping out families." I even know of one student who got her church to pay for her tutoring so she could offer her services for free to lower-income families. I don’t know if this helps, but I thought it was a wonderful story of resourcefulness.
18) What keeps you inspired every day? How do you remain so positive?
I only have one life here on Earth. I don’t want to waste one day wallowing in negativity.
19) How do you manage work/life to make time for what matters?
Priorities. When Coach Wooden left a game to have dinner with his family, his family never knew if he had won or lost the game. He made a point of not letting the time with his family be dictated by how his team played a basketball game.
20) I am a high school teacher and I am really inspired by how you took your gymnasts under your wing and taught them to be good people. What are some of the activities, readings, quotes, etc., you used to guide them?
The biggest one for all of us to understand is that “Life is about choice, and the choices we make dictate the life we lead.” Taking ownership of our choices is scary, but very liberating. Another quote: “There is no shortcut to success.” Encourage them to go about their day learning to observe a situation without judging. It’s a skill that needs practice. And then, it is often more important to be kind than it is to be right.
21) What are your favorite ways to exercise mental health / emotional intelligence, and why?
By reading positive self-help and leadership books. And by asking people closest to me to give me an honest assessment of my actions. By ME asking for their assessment, I don’t get triggered by any criticism they may offer, because I’m the one who asked for it.
22) From graduation to now, my career has gone down many different paths. Sometimes it looks like the paths are unorganized, and I often feel like I’m unsure of what I want from my career. How do I home in on my journey to push me toward a cohesive goal?
First of all, do you enjoy all of the divergent things you’re doing? If so, I think that’s a great way to not get bored. If you feel unorganized, write out the commonalities of everything you’re doing. I have a feeling you’ll see how your particular skills lend to each different task. And then, weed out the things that don’t really bring you joy. As we say these days, “Marie Kondo your jobs” to make way for opportunities in the areas you really enjoy.
23) A comment: wow, love your message and inspiration — indeed, you make the world better by sharing your joyful spirit and wise words.
Thank you; very much appreciated.
24) What advice would you give to someone who is considering taking on a leadership role that he/she is ambivalent about? Others have encouraged the move, but personally, it is not a position there is a strong desire for.
I’d advise not to take it. OR ... take it for a month to see if you can develop it into something that does inspire you. If not, let someone else take it who is really excited about it. Life is too short to do anything that doesn’t inspire you, just because people ask you to or because you’d be good at it.
25) How do you find the motivation to get the life you want when there are many external factors that seem to go against you? How do you push through all that, and how do you maintain that momentum?
Personally, I slow down and make room for God. When I’m in mental chaos, the worst thing I could do is make decisions from that place. Next, I would suggest asking a friend for an assessment of Keep it Up, Step it Up, as we discussed in a previous webinar. It’s important to see what you do well, and where you get hung up. Then, give yourself a break, realize that no one is perfect and start anew each day toward a better version of your beautiful YOU.
26) I'm very organized. How do I become more wacko? 🙂
AHAHAHAHAHA, I LOVE THIS! Offer a random act of kindness to a stranger even if they’ll think you’re nuts. And my favorite challenge: The very next time you hear music, no matter where you are, start dancing! It will definitely help you find your inner whack-job.
27) Please suggest some more books.
I’d love to, but what do you enjoy reading?
28) How do you overcome feeling defeated when you’ve taken risk after risk, but success and contentment still evade you?
My question is, how are you defining success? Because if it’s monetary or physical in nature, it will always elude you. Make sure that your feelings of contentment and success are only measured by things IN YOUR CONTROL, like your effort and attitude.
29) What are some of your mantras that help you keep a positive attitude?
Be Still. Weed the Negative, Feed the Positive. The Power Within Me is More Powerful than the Circumstances Around Me. Love Never Fails.
30) Love the concept of Life as your Symphony — any daily little tips (inspiration) to keep the instruments going?
Keep hitting the refresh button on your ethos. It’s OK to have different instruments, tempos and decibels, as long as they are in harmony with your personal life mission.
31) How to project confidence in non-in-person settings?
SMILE! Nod, be attentive. Hit the little hand-clapping emoji. Bring positive energy.
32) I'm approaching 80. How do you choreograph your entire life?
Keep dancing, whatever that looks and feels like to you. Get outside every day. Continue practicing random acts of kindness. Get involved with a social group such as church, bingo, walking group, whatever — it doesn’t matter as long as you are able to socialize with others.
33) How do you stay inspired and maintain your energy and optimism?
By paying constant attention to positive things. I’ve stopped watching the news and stopped looking at social media. Instead, I read a lot, listen to a lot of positive podcasts, get outside every day and exercise.
34) How do I stay disciplined to meet my goals?
First write out why you have these goals in the first place. Then write down one thing you’ll do to take you one step closer to the goal. Then JUST DO IT.
35) Miss Val, will you please be my personal life coach? 🙂 Okay, I understand that is not feasible. How do you find the balance between being of service/kind/understanding and setting boundaries for yourself?
First of all, make sure that your kindness isn’t actually enabling. We often want to do, do, do for people, but in truth it would be better for them to do it themselves. Secondly, talk to yourself and advise yourself as you would your closest friend. Just like our closest friends, when we keep giving advice and they choose not to change, well ... then we realize they’re more comfortable complaining about their current situation than changing.
36) What is the secret sauce to building a great team?
Setting non-negotiable ground rules around respect and communication. Then model what good communication (not dictatorship) looks like. Give space to be creative without judgment. Practice acknowledging things they do right and encourage teammates to do the same for each other.
37) No question — I'm proud that your athletes showed so much joy in competition.
Thank you!
38) I’m well into my career and happy with my chosen path, but I’m struggling to balance family, work, self-care and life. Any tips for helping to juggle better?
I found that I needed to have self-imposed rules, such as no phone at meals with my husband. I made exercise a priority. I stopped beating myself up for not getting through my to-do list because it was more important I give 30 minutes to a student-athlete or a friend who is struggling than to get something done on my list. It’s more important for you to self-examine your whole life, and not just your to-do list.
39) What advice do you have for rising above glass ceilings?
Be unwaveringly enthusiastic, industrious, energetic and kind. And remember, some glass ceilings may be in your way because it’s better you don’t break through them 😉
40) How do you improve your performance when your tank is empty, and you have gone to the well one too many times?
I hear you, and I’m so sorry. It’s hard to keep hitting the refresh button, especially these days. The only way I know is by doing something that fuels my soul that has NOTHING to do with my job. I used to go take a Zumba class just to get my inner soul moving. Also, I find going outside for a walk is really helpful; it’s proven that your creative brain kicks in when you walk. Another suggestion might be to ask a co-worker to collaborate with you on some tasks. I have always hated working alone and always got inspired collaborating with our assistant coaches.
41) As a white woman leading/coaching student-athletes of color, how do you think your whiteness showed up in your leadership (in addition to your relationships with colleagues of color), and how did you address it (and how do you continue to do so)?
SUPER-IMPORTANT QUESTION: If I were still coaching, I would have small group meetings with my student-athletes of color and I’d ask them questions. I’d then have a team meeting and address the things I learned. Some of our best team meetings were when we addressed and learned about each other’s cultures. The more honest, humble communication, the more GRACE is given when we screw up.
42) How do you rebuild your confidence when you get knocked down? A few times in my career this has happened, whether from a manager or direct report who was condescending/bullied me or through job loss. Each time, I stuck it out at the company rather than leave because that felt like I would be giving up, and I really liked the work I was doing and the other people I worked with.
Realize that those who bully are coming to the situation with their own history and bias. It’s often pointless to try to sway them to think differently. It’s important that you take notes, date the notes, have a meeting with at least one other non-biased person in the room, preferably from HR, and share how the other person's behavior makes you feel. Most importantly, don’t EXPECT the other person to agree with you and/or apologize. As long as you have a record of this in some way, you’ll have something to fall back on should you need it.
Questions From Session 2 — The Stretch
1) How do you know when it's time to move on to the next big thing in your career?
I feel there is a difference between liking or loving your job and being INSPIRED by your job. I can honestly say that I LOVED every day of my 37 years at UCLA, but the last few years I was no longer inspired by the work. I felt like I knew how to figure out every situation that came up, and it started to feel like groundhog day — even though I fully appreciated and loved working with our staff and student-athletes.
2) How does one rekindle their motivation to move on?
I’m not sure if you’re asking how to move on in your current job or move on to another field. Either way, I feel like we are all at our best when we are challenged to learn and grow. If you are not challenged by something or someone external, then come up with your own personal challenges. For me, I even got excited trying to figure out how to get our athletic department to be more environmentally responsible with recycling and NOT order plastic coffee stirrers. Also, because I believe in the power of reading and learning, I started “Take a Book, Leave a Book” in our employee lounge. (TRUE STORY: The “Fifty Shades of Grey” novels were the first to go. Next to go were all of the romance novels Nan Wooden gave us.)
3) How to bolster creativity with age.
I JUST got through reading Twyla Tharp’s book “Keep It Moving: Lessons for the Rest of Your Life.” Her first book, “The Creative Habit: Learn It and Use It,” is great as well. We all have things we wonder if we would have been, or could be, good at. My suggestion is to simply JUMP IN. Whether it’s learning to play an instrument, dance classes, learning a language, cooking lessons — ANYTHING you do that taps into your creative juices stimulates more creative thinking and motivation. I have a friend who teaches a GAB (Guided Autobiography) class, where you write short life experiences related to the weekly prompt she provides. I took this class and it was so eye-opening to the things I’ve done in life that fueled my creative soul and those that didn’t. (I’m happy to share her info with you if you’re interested.)
4) How to deal with ageism.
I honestly feel that the feeling of ageism starts with our own energy and, therefore, the energy we exude. It’s super-important to hit the REFRESH button on all of the ways we are awesome. With experience comes wisdom. Wisdom begets confidence. Confidence begets a calm, compassionate and enthusiastic demeanor.
5) How do you stay organized and balance all of your commitments?
This is something I struggle with a lot. You really have to find your system that works for you. Mine is a handwritten calendar, and at night I get a long sticky note and write out my schedule for the next day. Even though I don’t use the calendar on my devices, when I am disciplined to enter a commitment into the calendar it at least prevents me from double-booking. I think one key is to set aside time each night to go over your calendar, notes, texts, e-mails, etc., to have a clear understanding of your schedule the next day. ALSO, any e-mail that is important for me to recall I tag as UNREAD, so it is easier to find.
6) I had a severe accident about 25 years back and haven't found a new career. Am I too old at 59? Can you suggest ways to find one?
As long as you have the desire, energy and enthusiasm to work, you are NEVER TOO OLD! Find people whom you enjoy being around and offer to help out. People are often looking for volunteers, which can turn into full-time work.
Questions From Session 1 — The Climb
1) When you face racism or sexism within the feedback you are given, how do you address this without risking your job?
Respectfully, simply and seriously without being accusatory or inflammatory. Go in thinking the best outcome is possible within a conversation, but be prepared for the worst. If you are going to address a serious injustice, walk yourself through all the possible outcomes. Do your research. Know your rights and the laws, know your own company's resources and recourse. Is there an HR department and what is the process to file a complaint? Document your grievances and be factual and specific. Know how far you are willing to go before the first conversation.
2) How do you tackle your ego?
I have to admit, I laughed out loud at this question. I found my ego showed up more often when we LOST a competition, especially if it was a “big” meet, versus when we won. The more status that was on the line, the harder it hit my ego. Ego is a byproduct of insecurity. I literally would talk to myself in the moment and say, “OK, Valorie, just breathe. Get over yourself!!! Hit your Refresh button on gratitude and focus on modeling the behavior you’d want your student-athletes to exhibit.”
3) What are the best strategies to lead a new group?
First thing is to share your vision of what success will look like for the team. Then ask questions of the group to get them to engage in dialogue. People want to be valued and appreciated; one of the most important ways to show you value someone is to listen with an open mind and heart. Remember, you do not need to respond as long as you acknowledge that you’ve heard them and that you will think about what they’ve said and circle back to this in the near future. Make sure to sincerely thank them for pitching in to the conversation.
4) What challenges have you experienced being a leader, and how did you overcome them?
A leader experiences challenges every single day. What worked for me was keeping the goal in focus and keeping my ego out of it. I look at the situation as a problem that has a solution — and it’s my job to figure it out while maintaining and modeling the tenets of my moral foundation. Whether it was an individual issue or one that involved the whole team, I honestly believe that 100% of the time, the situation was improved by gathering the people involved and having respectful honest dialogue in which EVERYONE was encouraged to participate. This way they feel part of the solution and not dictated to. Once they feel a part of the solution they are invested in implementing the new plan of how to move forward.
5) I was a gymnast and can take constructive criticism, but have a hard time taking blame/ criticism when I’m not at fault.
I actually had less of a problem taking criticism when it WASN’T my fault, because I mastered the art of the “comeback” honestly, respectfully and from solution-based dialogue. This diffused the “placing blame game” and got back to the task at hand. However, it is very hard to take criticism and blame when it is delivered in a bullish and demeaning manner. At that point, you’re not going to change the person dishing the blame. My best advice is to calmly move forward with something that sounds like silence — to establish the fact that you have heard them, are processing what they said and are CHOOSING not to react. Then calmly respond, “How would you like me to proceed from here?” Keep in mind that when someone has to assign blame, it’s coming from a place of insecurity. It’s not your job to FIX them. It’s your job to figure out how to move forward without throwing fuel on the fire.
6) How can I stop taking criticism personally?
7) When receiving feedback, how do you determine what feedback you should ignore and what feedback to listen to and act on?
Practice tuning into what they’re asking of you, or how they would like you to do something differently. And, in the process, let their tone, verbiage and posture be their problem, not yours. As Elsa would suggest, “Let it go.” I just read this somewhere: “When receiving feedback, listen with a sieve, not a sponge.” Make sure you retain the things that will help you be better at your job and a better team player. Just because someone isn’t great at giving feedback doesn’t mean that there aren’t nuggets of value there — make sure those are what get stuck in the sieve and let the delivery method flow through. If something is REALLY hard to hear, reword what you’re hearing to dialogue that is palatable for you to process. For example, I was once told by an athlete that I was being a bitch. I felt that was rather harsh and instead translated that to the fact I was being bitchy — a slight modification, but the delivery stung a lot less, made the comment less of a personal attack, and was something I could personally address. Not exuding bitchy behavior is a lot easier than figuring out how not to be a bitch.
8) How to get non-owners invested in the company mission.
I found that once I divided up the workload and gave my assistant coaches their own areas to manage and develop, they took ownership and pride in their small part and could more easily see how it affected the whole. This worked with our student-athletes as well. Every season I noticed that when the team took ownership of their success, they were much more invested and made better decisions outside the gym. That’s when the “magic” happened.
9) How do you handle a Head Coach who makes decisions from his personal point of view about what’s best for a diverse group?
First thing is to ask for an individual meeting. Then propose the question in a respectful, non-condescending manner: “Coach, I was thinking of our overall goal and was wondering if XXXXXXX might be more productive at this point to get to our goal more quickly and efficiently?" (DON’T add, “... than what you suggested.”)
10) How can we provide feedback to others who are combative or feel they are doing well already?
This is a delicate situation because you don’t want to squash their enthusiasm. Catch them doing things right and then ask (without using the word “but”) some questions about how to get some different results. Describe what you’d like to see and why it would benefit all to do things a little differently. I’ve been accused of using the Socratic method all the time. (I didn’t even know what it was until I was called out on it.) The Socratic method is when you ask a series of questions about a latent issue. In working together through the questions, you highlight the strategies that are working, agree to eliminate the strategies that aren’t working, and then follow up with, “Let’s try this and see how it works; let me know how I can help.” The problem I found is that people tend to get stuck in their own way of doing things — that’s why it’s important to establish measurable change.
11) Best practices for dealing with negatively reactive employees.
Have a one-on-one with that person, and with kindness, empathy and sincerity, explain that you enjoy working with him/her (list a few things they do well). Then add, “I find myself not always being fully honest with you, because I feel you take discordant conversations personally. I enjoy working with you because we don’t always agree, and that makes our team stronger. Do you have any suggestions as to how I can engage in these conversations differently, so we can work together on healthy solutions even when we disagree?”
12) How do you groom staff for leadership positions?
I love this question, because it shows that you are someone who understands that great leaders help develop future great leaders, as opposed to wanting to keep everyone subordinate to pump up one’s own ego. How to aid in developing future leaders is by giving them small tasks. Help them craft the flow chart, starting with the overall objective. Help them structure a plan to achieve the overall goal. Give them a few reminders of how to address people with respectful honesty, enthusiasm and trust. And then, when something goes awry, help them figure it out, but let them implement the restructured strategy. This reminds me of a quote from Lincoln that Coach Wooden used to recite often: “The worst things a parent can do for a child are those things they can and should do by themselves.” Switch out parent with “leader” and child with “someone under their leadership.” When things do go awry, don’t make it a big deal; share one of your own previous blunders, share a good laugh over it and then strategize what the next best move should be.
13) Please describe how to lead those who think they know it all or are simply too stubborn to change.
First of all, real change only takes place through education. People either make changes because they are told to and are being compliant, or because they are internally motivated to change based on being more educated on the subject and on consequential repercussions. It’s important to illuminate the negative repercussions that have arisen or might possibly arise. Ask the person if he/she is OK with this scenario or if they would prefer things to be a little different. Then depict how a different approach would have a different outcome that would actually make the other person be more respected and “look better.”
14. How do you inspire athletes to break through their plateau?
I remind myself that the only reason people need a coach in their lives is to help them achieve things they can’t achieve on their own. That often starts with helping them visualize what a higher level of excellence looks like for them, and then inspiring them to want to put in the effort to achieve that vision. Next step, break it down into small daily goals and celebrate each small victory. We all have a competitor inside of us. Our competitive spirit often goes into hibernation when the ultimate goal seems insurmountable. That’s why daily goals to get 1% better are a much more doable way to keep dreams alive … and it’s a lot more fun than having to look up at the proverbial daunting mountain.
15. Trying to help my son recover from a Win-At-All-Costs Coach who was resistant to feedback, which did a lot of damage.
This is a much bigger issue than a parent being able to console their child. One suggestion to help him draw his own conclusions as to why his old coach was the way he was is to give him examples of other successful, positive coaches. Give your son some books from excellent leaders/coaches whom he looks up to: Coach Wooden’s books to start with; Phil Jackson’s; Tony Dungy’s; mine ;-). And then have him read “A Season on the Brink,” about Bobby Knight, where on almost every page one of his players would say, “Yes, he wins, but at what cost?” Also, my TED talk is all about this very subject. If possible, it would be great to get your son involved with another team or organization that has a healthy culture so he can see how toxic abusive cultures are on everyone involved.
16. How do you effectively work under ineffective leaders? 17. At the senior level, giving feedback to your staff is common, but how do you suggest giving feedback to a superior?
Without disrespecting, degrading or circumventing the ineffective leader, showcase your abilities by either showing your boss a finished product and then letting him/her use it any way they’d like to, or illuminate a different way of doing something and ask if you can spend some time and resources developing this idea. IF you keep your boss in the loop every step of the way and make him/her feel collaborative in the process, you might actually encourage a symbiotic working relationship, garner their trust and, in the process, help them reveal and nourish leadership skills that no one knew they had … possibly ;-).
18. I want to become a leader, but how do I achieve that?
19. How do you emerge as a leader in an organization?
20. How do you establish yourself as a leader, even if your current position isn’t a “leadership” role?
21. How can you bring people together as a team by being a leader?
22. Any advice for young leaders?
Show up EVERY DAY enthusiastic, prepared and open to others’ ideas. Take the initiative to compliment fellow employees on a job well done. Be the first to highlight and compliment small victories amongst your peers and your boss. Be the LIGHT and share your LIGHT … EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
23. What is your advice for mentoring people who are older than you?
Age isn’t a factor in ability. Treat them with the same respect and kindness you give everyone else. However, the older we get, the more we appreciate being recognized for the wisdom we’ve garnered along the way. Take opportunities to acknowledge what the person might have gleaned over the years without implying things should be done the same way. Respect goes a LONG way.
24. What are your tips for employees who undermine your decisions?
Have a one-on-one, closed-door meeting. Respectfully share with that person what you’ve heard or what you suspect. Remind them that you two have had a good working relationship and that you encourage open, honest discourse even when it is contrary to your opinions. Then discuss the issue at hand and encourage the person to share with YOU why they think their way is the better route to take. If it is, then acknowledge it, make the change, and tell them to feel free to come to you first with these suggestions. If it’s not a better choice, acknowledge that their suggestion is a good option, but you’re going to stick with your original decision. If it will help the situation, take the time to explain AGAIN why you feel your decision is the right choice.
25. I feel like I’m pulled in so many directions. Could you recommend a “script” for what I could say when I need to set boundaries?
If it’s more items being added to your already full work load, consult with the person assigning all of the things you’re currently working on and ask if they want you to shift priorities. If it’s people wanting your time, be honest: “I’ve always enjoyed the times (fill in the blank), but, to be honest, I’m feeling pulled in a few too many directions right now and need some personal down time.” You don’t owe anyone an explanation for personal choices you make. Check out the book “When I Say NO I Feel Guilty,” and then read the part about the broken record. Or, you can read about it in my book. It offers a brilliant tactic for saying no to people without feeling the need to craft an adequate excuse or explanation.
26. I have not managed others, but I guide others in my work. What is the real difference between having a title or not, especially for women?
Having a title obviously gives one a leg up in credibility; however, effort and attitude go a long way in rising to the forefront in any room or situation.
27. When switching careers, people say to lean on past experience. Should we rely on past experience or start anew?
Absolutely, rely on past experience. Everything you’ve experienced and learned is priceless, especially the ability to model qualities that are great examples for your peers; e.g., why it’s important to show up early for work and for meetings, what a respectful work environment and culture looks like, etc. (I immediately thought of the wonderful movie “The Intern” with Robert DeNiro as Anne Hathaway’s intern.) Those are things that are gleaned over years of experience. However, make sure not to bring past prejudices or prejudgement into your new job.
28. How can I connect better with others and with people I don’t get along with?
Always be kind, courteous and compassionate without being obsequious and trying to win their affection. Also, practice the art of being a great listener. People love to be listened to. Whenever I feel that I’m just not jelling with someone, I ask an open-ended question and then sit back, stay quiet and let them talk. Works almost every time!
29. How do I lead others to help them find their authentic selves without making it feel like a personal attack?
First of all, more than likely that person isn’t asking you or anyone else to FIX them. People don’t need to be FIXED. I have found it’s best to help them look into the proverbial mirror to show them how their actions are perceived by others. If they’re OK with how they are perceived, then you have nothing further to say. If they aren’t OK with it, then ask them if they give you permission to suggest some other choices to achieve different results. Remember, people only change if they are MOTIVATED to change. They don’t change because they should or have to.
30. How can one be less territorial about legacy?
Legacy is an empowering personal feeling; however, NOT at the cost of tooting your own horn. I would venture to say that people close to you know all of the amazing things you’ve brought to the department and they will be the first to praise you in public as long as you aren’t desperate for the praise. It was quite astonishing for me to see the positive compound effect that occurred when I publicly praised and gave credit to my staff for something that was mostly my doing. Quite frequently, I have heard others use me as an example of what a strong, confident, empowering leader looks like when I let my assistant coaches receive the praise.
31. Miss Val, you are awesome. The first session was outstanding.
Thank you. I only wish we could all have a roundtable discussion so I could glean wisdom from all of you, as well.
32. What is your strategy for dealing with self-doubt in others as a leader?
I think you’re asking how to help people feel confident instead of doubting themselves. If this is your question, my suggestion is to set up small goals, celebrate small victories and, when mistakes are made, help the person learn from them instead of assigning judgement. The best athletes in the world know how to minimize the time and emotional effort between failure and recovery. Sports analogies are always so great to learn life lessons from. In baseball/softball, if you hit 50% of the pitches you swing at, you would be the greatest player that ever played the game. That means you’re missing/failing at half of the pitches you swing at. In sports and in the tech world, if you’re not failing on a daily basis, you’re not trying hard enough. As a leader, make sure you praise their effort much more than their successes, especially if things don’t turn out well. Effort and attitude are more important than the occasional home run. (OK, so I mixed my metaphors — hopefully, you get the picture.)
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